Things a new Pope shouldn't say in his first public speech
Hugh Dennis: "YMCA!"
Linda Smith: "I've dreamed of this moment ever since I was a little girl!"
John Oliver: "What a fucking view!"
Rory Bremner: "I'd like to thank my wife..."
Frankie Boyle: "I only wish Hitler could have been alive to see this moment!"
Rory Bremner: "I'm a Celibate, Get Me Out Of Here!"
Frankie Boyle: "I can't think of a finer way to spend the last six months of my life!"
Hugh Dennis: "Look at the tits on that nun!"
Books heading straight for the remaindered bin
Frankie Boyle: "Paul Gascoigne's Sudoku."
Hugh Dennis: "Beckham's Thesaurus."
Rory Bremner: "The Ron Atkinson Diet."
Linda Smith: "My Struggle, by Paris Hilton."
Frankie Boyle: "John Leslie's pop-up autobiography!"
Jeremy Hardy: "Michael Jackson's touch and feel book."
Rory Bremner: "Iraq's Weapons of Mass Destruction: A Dossier."
Slogans the Tory Party should have used in the election
Jeremy Hardy: "Vote for us and we'll hand Thatcher over."
Linda Smith: "Are you sinking like we're sinking?"
Rory Bremner: "It's L'Oreal, and I'm worth it."
Frankie Boyle: "There's a Muslim paedophile living under your child's bed. Vote Conservative."
Josh Sutcliffe: "We're gay, so sign away!"
Unsettling things to hear in the White House
Mark Steel: "As your doctor, Mr Bush, I can assure you that you are fit and healthy."
Jo Brand: "Does your cigar taste a bit funny?"
Hugh Dennis: "Now, let me get this straight, we're handing over the management of the Star Wars Missile Protection program to Railtrack?"
Rory Bremner: "Oh, that? That's a map of Iran!"
Frankie Boyle: "Who's the president here, me or you? It's me? Shit!"
Hugh Dennis: "Oh, no, no, no, Saddam, I love you too!"
Jo Brand: "Come on, Tony, keys in the bowl!"
Andy Parsons: "Welcome, President Schwarzenegger!"
Discarded titles for the next Harry Potter book
Frankie Boyle: "Harry Potter is thrown in jail for wearing a hood."
Jo Brand: "Harry Potter and the Wet Dream."
Hugh Dennis: "Captain Corelli's Mandolin."
Andy Parsons: "Harry Potter and the Mud-Blood Prince in a Nazi Uniform."
Rory Bremner: "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Commerce."
Mark Steel: "Harry Potter Does Dallas. Red hot Muggle-on-Muggle action."
Frankie Boyle: "Harry Potter and the child actor's inevitable mental break-down."
Rory Bremner: "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Abu Ghraib."
Andy Parsons: "Harry Potter and the two other kids who can't act.
Unlikely lines for the Queen to include in her annual message
Frankie Boyle: "Some of my best friends are black."
Hugh Dennis: "Have you been involved with an accident that wasn't your fault?"
Rory Bremner: "Save the rebate or the corgi gets it!"
Frankie Boyle: "Arschten schischenheim, mein Gropenfuhrer!"
Linda Smith: "Look, we don't cost you 99p each, we don't cost you 79p each, I tell you what, I'm a fool to myself, but we cost you 61p each, and for that I'll throw in Princess Michael of Kent. You can't say fairer than that!"
Hugh Dennis: "The Queen is brought to you by Powergen!"
Andy Parsons: "So there were these two nuns in the bath..."
Frankie Boyle: "Charles, you'll have to prise my crown out of my cold, dead hands!"
Hugh Dennis: "I'm a killer... Queeeeeen!"
Cliffhanger lines from a political soap opera
Frankie Boyle: "I'm John F. Kennedy! I've been in the shower, did I miss anything?"
Rory Bremner: "Hey Condoleezza, I think I just pressed the wrong button."
Frankie Boyle: "The irony won't be lost on you President Schwarzenegger, I'm from the future, and I'm here to stop you from destroying the world."
Hugh Dennis: "We've had drunkards, we've had rent boys. What could be worse? What have you done? Shagged a goat addicted to heroin?"
John Oliver: "I'm sorry I missed your vote on sustainable agriculture. I'm afraid I was busy, sleeping, with your wife."
Hugh Dennis: "Are you trying to seduce me Lady Thatcher?"
Rory Bremner: "So what do you say George, just you, and me, and Brokeback Mountain?
Bad things to say at Prime Minister's Question Time
Frankie Boyle: "Prime Minister, could you look interested whilst I bring up some boring shit about my constituency?"
David Mitchell: "Is this going to take long, because I've got an appointment with a rent boy in half-an-hour"
Hugh Dennis: "Can I ask the Prime Minister, are you paying too much for car insurance?"
Frankie Boyle: "We've got one! We've got two! We've got two more poofs than you!"
Rory Bremner: "Can I ask the Prime Minister…When are going to retire you bastard!?"
Frankie Boyle: "Prime Minister, my first is in, "Pea," but not in, "Canoe." What am I?"
Unlikely things for a TV announcer to say
Hugh Dennis: "For those of you of a nervous disposition, you may disturbed to know that your television is off and I'm speaking to you from inside your own head."
John Oliver: "You're watching ITV1. Why are you doing that? I've checked the listings in front of me and we've got nothing."
Hugh Dennis: "Well that's it. Don't forget that BBC News 24 goes through the night, as do I."
Jo Brand: "Next on Channel 5, a sensitive documentary entitled The Boy who looked like a Baboon's Arse."
Hugh Dennis: "You may be interested to know that I'm completely naked and playing with myself."
Frankie Boyle: "We interrupt tonight's showing of The Sixth Sense with some breaking news. Bruce Willis is a ghost!"
Hugh Dennis: "If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in tonight's Balamory…"
Frankie Boyle: "Tonight's episode of Songs of Praise contains strong language and scenes of a sexual nature."
Things you don't want to hear a Prime Minister say
Frankie Boyle: "Gordon, I've discovered how to make myself immortal."
Rory Bremner: "Well, who'd have thought it?"
Hugh Dennis: "Unfortunately we have received no such undertaking. We are now at war... with Wales."
Gina Yashere: "Oh my God! Oh my God! First Celeb Big Brother, and now this."
Frankie Boyle: "Get me an eighteen inch knife and a hand grenade.I'm sorting this Iraq shit out."
Andy Parsons: "So, there were these two Muslims that walked into a bar..."
Greg Proops: "Oh Mr President you're hurting me."
Rory Bremner: "I'd just like to play you a little song I've written."
Hugh Dennis: "Members of the house, the band was Showaddywaddy."
Exam questions that were rejected
Andy Parsons: "A lot of people say that the exams are too easy. Is the answer A: Yes or B: David Beckham."
Russell Howard: "With illustrations describe the Prophet Muhammad."
Gina Yashere: "A Virgin train is travelling at 120 miles per hour between London and Manchester, what time will it be cancelled?"
Frankie Boyle: "All P.E teachers are paedophiles, discuss..."
Hugh Dennis: "If the world's temperature is rising at 2 degrees per decade, what is the point of anything?!"
Frankie Boyle: "Spell 'Mississippi', without looking at how we've spelt it in the question."
Hugh Dennis: "Two cars are speeding, one is being driven by a black man, which one will be stopped?"
Andy Parsons: "Do you think kids spend too much time with their Playstations? Answer: 'Cross', 'Triangle', 'Circle' or 'Square'."
Frankie Boyle: "Tick the box: A, B or C to receive the grade A, B or C."
Clive Anderson: "Sex education practical, report to me in the stationery cupboard."
Frankie Boyle: "If I add 1/8 to 1/16, how stoned will I be?"
Hugh Dennis: "Can you master this phrase?: 'Do you want fries with that?'"
Rejected first lines for the new Harry Potter book
Frankie Boyle: "Harry thought of his magical adventures very differently, now he had been diagnosed as a schizophrenic."
Hugh Dennis: "'Don't you realise, Ron?' said Harry, 'with our magic powers, we simply won't need Rohypnol!'"
Frankie Boyle: "Finishing in the cafeteria, Harry and Ron turned their wands on themselves."
Hugh Dennis: "'I am Lord Voldemort - and I am an alcoholic.'"
Robin Ince: "Grease the goat, grease the goat, grease the goat!"
Ed Byrne: "Harry stared at his own spectacles and thought, 'I can summon a centaur, but I can't fix my astigmatism.'"
Andy Parsons: "I have earned more money than the Queen, I can't be arsed!"
Hugh Dennis: "'I'm sorry, Harry,' said Ron. 'I... I thought you felt the same way.'"
Jo Brand: "'Genital warts at Hogwarts?' said Matron, 'what fun!'"
Ed Byrne: "Harry wrapped the elastic around his arm and tapped the crook of his elbow, trying to get a vein open. 'Come on, you bastard!' he said."
Frankie Boyle: "Something about the spell must've gone wrong, because one of Harry's testicles had turned into a scorpion."
Hugh Dennis: "It was October, and the beginning of Harry's fifth year at Feltham young offender's institute."
Frankie Boyle: "'Show us where Dumbledore touched you,' said the judge, 'show us on the doll'.
Unhelpful things to say in a crisis
Ed Byrne: "I know, why don't we get the UN involved?"
Hugh Dennis: "Statistically speaking of course in these circumstances, most of us will die."
Frankie Boyle: "Kumbayah, my lord, kumbayah..."
Andy Parsons: "I think that this 14th century text adequately sums up what I want to say!"
Frankie Boyle: "I know you're a hijacker, but I ordered a vegetarian meal!"
Robin Ince: "I know this isn't the time, but I've got an erection!"
Frankie Boyle: "Women and children first - then I'll shag the men and the animals."
Andy Parsons: "AGGGHHH!!!"
Bad things to say when leading troops into battle
Hugh Dennis: "Cry God, for Harry, England and St. George. Let us march to the music of Showaddywaddy!"
Frankie Boyle: "Soon you'll be at home with your families... in a jar on the mantelpiece."
Hugh Dennis: "Have you been injured at work?"
Adam Hills: "Alright lads, on my... aah... pins and needles!"
Hugh Dennis: General Churchill will be leading the troops in on this one, isn't that right? 'Oh yes yes yes yes.'"
Frankie Boyle: "Our best hope is that the enemy kills so many of us, they become slightly despressed."
Andy Parsons: "Hello, I'm George Bush."
Frankie Boyle: "This next mission will be lead by Michael Moore seeing as he knows so fucking much!"
Things you wouldn't hear on a driving test
Frankie Boyle: "When I slap the dashboard with my forehead, I'd like you to crawl out of the wreckage and fetch help."
Hugh Dennis: "Ok, when I give you the signal, I want you wind the window down and call the cyclist a wanker!"
Russell Howard: "OK, when I say go, foot down, straight through the jewellers', get what you can!"
Frankie Boyle: "You made one mistake, sir, a pine air freshener doesn't cover up the smell of a dead hitchhiker."
David Mitchell: "Well, if she doesn't get up, you've definitely failed!"
Hugh Dennis: "Well, at least we know the airbags work!"
Andy Parsons: "When there's nobody else on the motorway, you should always drive in the middle lane, just in case you fall asleep, you've got a bit longer to, er..."
Frankie Boyle: "If I fail, can i still keep driving my taxi?"
Mark Watson: "Me, in a car, can't believe it!"
Frankie Boyle: "On my signal, I'd like you to mount the pavement and kill my ex-wife."
Unlikely lines to find in the Bible
Andy Parsons: "And so Paul set off on the road to Damascus, where he was then killed by a helicopter gunship."
Frankie Boyle: "'An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.' This is the weirdest car boot sale I've ever been to!"
Mark Watson: "Anyway, I'm rambling on..."
Andy Parsons: "He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy."
Hugh Dennis: "And God said, 'Let there be Light!' - sponsored by Powergen."
Frankie Boyle: "A man who lies with another man should be stoned. It helps, that's all I'm saying."
Ian Stone: "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away..."
Mark Watson: "And God said, 'Right, that's all the fourteen commandments, now will you remember all of those?'"
Hugh Dennis: "Table for twelve Jesus? I can do two sixes at 8:30."
Frankie Boyle: "And on the eighth day, God created a magic talking leopard, and forgot all about us."
Andy Parsons: "And Mary said God had given her a child, so Joseph went and joined Fathers 4 Justice."
Hugh Dennis: "It rained for forty days and forty nights, although Thames Water still had the hosepipe ban."
Frankie Boyle: "St Paul's third epistle to the Corinthians: 'Dear Corinthians, I've written to you twice now. No reply. I don't know how you do things in Corinth, but where I'm from, that's a bit rude.'"
Unlikely excerpts from a nature documentary
Hugh Dennis: "I'm having to whisper, because this woman's husband is in the room next door."
Frankie Boyle: "This beautiful hummingbird is no match for my squash racket."
Fred MacAulay: "And I'm having to whisper, because this bear has got me in a headlock."
Frankie Boyle: "Penguin, with its head trapped in a beer can - tragic, and yet somehow hilarious."
Andy Parsons: "I'm stood here, in the jungle in my bathrobe, because my luggage is still at Heathrow."
Russell Howard: "Welcome back to Pimp My Hippo!
Andy Parsons: "And here we have two insects, shagging away...phwoarrrr!"
Frankie Boyle: "Out of the water climbs a majestic otter, who turns - oh no, it's a dog."
Andy Parsons: "And yes! And the lion's after the impala! And the lion's got the impala! Tuck in my son! Lion 1, Impala 0!"
Frankie Boyle: "I'm the ghost of Steve Irwin, and welcome to Animals Kill The Daftest Bastards!"
Bad things to say at the opening of the new Wembley Stadium
Hugh Dennis: "Is it just me, or does it all feel a bit wobbly?"
Frankie Boyle: "Due to a double booking, England's first match is against Simply Red!"
Ed Byrne: "Ladies and gentlemen, James Blunt!"
Andy Parsons: "Welcome to the 2008 Cup Final. So, if you'd just like to make your way on to the coaches, we're off to Cardiff!"
Frankie Boyle: "And all for the same price as building a rope ladder between Earth and Jupiter!"
Russell Howard: "Could Mr. Bin Laden report to Lost Property, please, Mr. Bin Laden."
Frankie Boyle: "And, who knows, maybe here, one day, with the right linesman, England could cheat their way to another World Cup victory!"
Andy Parsons: "And, who knows, one day, with the right bunch of hooligans form Scotland, these goalpost can get trashed all over again!"
Frankie Boyle: "Cost a hundred million pounds to demolish Wembley, if you'd had your last game against Scotland, we'd have done it for nothing!"
Ill-advised things to say in court
Andy Parsons: "How could she have seen me? I was wearing a balaclava!"
Frankie Boyle: "So to summarize, there's no evidence. But he does look a bit rapey."
Jon Culshaw: "Your honour, that wig looks really gay."
Hugh Dennis: "Your honour, if you like, I've got the number of a really good Brazilian cleaner."
Mark Watson: "Well, if stabbing a man makes me guilty, I'm guilty!"
Frankie Boyle: "I would like to present my own defence... through the medium of dance!"
Jon Culshaw: "If I'm found not guilty, can I keep all the stuff I nicked?"
Frankie Boyle: "And I put it to you, m'lud, that that child is sexy."
Russell Howard: "Oi, Wiggy! I done your daughter!"
Frankie Boyle: "I was performing the Heimlich manoeuvre... then it sort of turned into the wheelbarrow position."
Hugh Dennis: "Will this take long? I'm meeting a boat from Columbia at nine."
Frankie Boyle: "There is a precedent for this. I refer to episode 10 of LA Law."
Hugh Dennis: "And let me say this- sentencing you will give me an overwhelming wave of sexual pleasure. Send him down!"